They're Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Agenda

Action Item #1: W

Action Item #2: T

Action Item #3: F

OK, so basically WTF applies only to the last minute of the show, when Jin Chap Lip shows up in the Dharma Scooby Doo Bus with shotgun in tow. What year is it? Is it the past? Is it the future? Oh I know what time it is, it's half past WTF.

Gin & Tonic Break

Action Item #4: Complaint
Why, why, WHY must they cut to commercial right before some steamy Jack-Kate lovin'? Hmmm? Oh sure, why would we want to see that? No, you're right, we'd much rather see nosebleeds and chapped lips. Come ON people, give me something I can work with here!

Action Item #Five: Welcome Back, Kotter
Kotter in this case being Bloody Ben. I was sort of drifting, do we know who turned him into a bloody pulp this time? I'm sure they said it, I just tend to zone in and out and accidentally hit mute and not realize it for twenty minutes, that sort of thing. Anyhoo, whoever clobbered him, I'd like to shake their hand. Bloody Ben reminds me of the good old days, aka that one season where his face was black and blue and yellow for the entire time. Oh here I go getting nostalgic again.

Action Item #6: I'll Take A Pound of Ground Beef and a Cadaver, Please
I have some major concerns about the health code violations involved with storing bodies in coffins in the back room of a butcher shop. Sure, the meat smells and freezing temperatures lend themselves to body storage, but nevertheless, I'm sure the health department would like to hear about this.

Action Item #Six + One: Jack "Imelda Marcos" Shephard
What's the deal with Jack's father's shoes? And swapping them out for Locke's Loafers? All I got out of that was that Jack has an apparent shoe fetish. And I'm sure there's more to it than that.

Action Item #Ate: "I Wish You Would Have Believed Me"
Nice suicide letter. You know, even in death, Locke is kind of a bitch. But of course, it causes some quiver lip crying out of Jack, so I'm happy. I'll give him something to cry about... sorry, the rage is bubbling.

Questions & Answers

Questions That Cannot Be Answered

Answers to Questions That No One Asked

Pancake Breakfast

Adjourn

Dharma Initiative: Microwave Station

This week's agenda will follow shortly, as I'm watching this week's ep on the DVR. In the meantime, I came to the disconcerting realization that I am working in a Dharma Station. I can only assume it's the Microwave Station. If you'll look at this photo carefully, taken above the microwave in the kitchen of my workplace, I think you'll agree that there is clearly a Dharma logo on the wall. That explains the nosebleeds...

Talk Amongst Yourselves

Ok, Ok, Ok...everyone calm down. Do not panic. Now is not the time to turn on each other. If we can't live together on this blog, we're gonna die alone (oh wait, I think that's the island...when did I start talking like Jack??).

Anyhoo, in response to Anonymous' terrifyingly angry rant (see comments from last week's post; restraining order being drafted as we speak), I would like to sincerely apologize for the lack of an agenda this week. The Dharma gases got me and I was very ill for the last several days (I knew those nosebleeds meant something bad!). And as you may or may not know, the funny glands are located in the sinuses, and when the sinuses are infected, so are the funny glands. Thus, I was rendered unfunny, and we were rendered blog-less, or sans-blog, your choice.

I would like to invite any interested parties to be this week's guest blogger. Write up an agenda, send it to me, and I'll post it and even add a pretty picture that may or may not relate to the agenda contents (it might just be a picture of sinuses).

In the meantime, I leave you with the following talking points (I'll have you know I did watch the episode, and it's a lot easier to follow when I don't have a laptop in one hand...):

1.) Jin Chap Lips -- I'm glad he's back. You know why? Because he's kind of hot. Even with the terrible need for a Blistex. I like scenes with Jin Chap Lip and Shirtless Sawyer just fine. However, last night's episode was All Jin, All the Time. Is everyone else on vacation?

2.) Moment of silence for NoseBleed. Ok, that'll do.

3.) I think I fell asleep with maybe 10 or so minutes to go. What'd I miss? Let me guess, a flash of light and some time travel?

Discuss.

No refreshments will be served this week since this is not an official meeting. Hey, times are tough. We're in austerity mode.

Micronesia? Tunisia? Whogivesacrapnesia?

Houston, we have a problem...

Because I taped approximately 82 hours of Inauguration proceedings, my DVR informed me at 9:00 that it would not be able to accommodate my request to record Lost. So I started to frantically delete crap (like the historical swearing in of Barack Obama...see what I do for you people?), yet it still refused my repeated and polite requests that it record the ^@%$!* show. So in lieu of a recording, I tried to pause the channel, but my remote, which appears to be in cahoots with the DVR, refused this request. I even got off my lazy arse to forage for new batteries, but that's not the problem. And the main issue is that I was on the phone until 9:15, so I have no idea what is going on. I know, I know, I should have just hung up without explanation, but really people, that is frowned upon in polite society.

Emergency Call to the Assistant to The Meeting Organizer (aka Mom)

1) Mom explains that NoseBleed has temporal displacement...I have no idea what this means. Mom seems to be at peace with it, though, and seemed to enjoy telling me that "it's fatal".

2) Kate goes to visit the Subpoena Guy

3) Something about horse tranquilizers

Now that I'm all up to speed, let's turn this mother out, shall we?

Action Item #1: You Give Her 22 Words, She'll Give You Lost

In getting my debriefing from Assistant Mom, she said something so eloquent, so poetic, it really summed up all that has occurred on the island, and our deep, personal understanding of it. She said:

"Ben, he turned the wheel and then he ended up in some kinda place, I don't know. Micronesia? Not Tunisia. Some place." -- Mama

That's better than what I've gotten out of this show. All I've come up with so far is:

"That blonde dude with the beard that doesn't match is hot. Somebody take his shirts away."

Action Item #2: Appreciate the gesture, but...

...usually I like short commercial breaks, but as someone who's being forced to write a blog about a show I wish I'd never met, I find that short commercial breaks are not conducive to the writing process. In fact, if we could have maybe 15 minutes of show and 45 minutes of commercial breaks (aka "writing time"), that would be great, 'k? Thanks.

Action Item #2a: Speaking of Commercials

Totally unrelated, but I love this more than is normal, I think: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTQaWIt4ij0

I go there as my happy place every time that damn light flashes...

URGENT UPDATE
Remain calm, I repeat REMAIN CALM. Our worst fear may have come true...Vincent the Dog has gone missing. Nary is left of him but an empty leash. Catherine, if you could just hold your heaving sobs until the end of the scene, we'd all appreciate it. I'm sure any minute now someone will flick a light switch and they'll be in a happy time zone when Vincent is a frisky pup frolicking in a field of kibble. (BTW, don't think these time blips don't make the whole concept of the real-time blog a bit impossible).

Action Item Numero Three: PADDLE!

Right, paddle. Paddle your little canoe because you're being shot at, and everyone knows that people paddling a canoe can outrun a speeding bullet. Really. It's some sort of physics theory. Oh, and if the theory fails, don't worry, the lights will flicker again and you'll be in a new, bullet-free time zone in just a sec. So hang on! And don't forget, PADDLE!

Action Item #IV: That's Claire's Mother

See, this is how stupid I am. I didn't know that. So if you're wondering who precisely it is in the audience that the writer's are targeting when they make a character, such as Jack, do some clever exposition with lines like "That's Claire's mother"... that would be me. I'm part of the highly coveted "Haven't been paying attention for five years but that's irrelevant because they're also not too bright" demographic.

Addendum to Action Item #2a: Still Speaking of Commercials

I don't appreciate commercials for news casts that include statements like this: "Surprising information about a treatment for cancer that could actually make it worse." Why yes, that is surprising. And also horrifying. Please, Liz Cho, can't you just keep these things to yourself?

Action Item #5: "I Can Fix This"

Jack, buddy, come on. You're STILL saying "I can fix this"? After all we've been through, you STILL have the hero complex? I'd wager that you haven't actually "fixed" anything in your life, unless of course we have different definitions of "fixed" and in your world (wherever/whenever that may be), "fixed" means "made really quite worse". Then yeah, rock on, you CAN fix this!

Action Item #6: Uh Oh...We've Got a Bleeder

Juliet's got a nose bleed. While talking with Sawyer. If you were wondering what my greatest life fear is, what keeps me up at night, it would be sitting in the rain with a hot swarthy guy and getting a nose bleed. This show is like a window to my soul.

Addendum to the Addendum to Action Item #2a: Yet More Speaking of Commercials

So there was just a commercial for some new show on ABC (I couldn't be bothered to read the name of it, and heaven knows I can't rewind to see it b/c the remote control is being a jerk). Just when I thought Christopher from the Sopranos couldn't get any less good looking, he manages to climb another branch on the ugly tree. Seems all it takes is a handlebar mustache and some mutton chops.

Action Item #7: Oh hey, Jin...wait, what?

So I'm sitting here going to my happy place (LMAO!), and I sort of hear people speaking in foreign tongues, and I look up and see some dirty kid type person talking to Jin, who incidentally has very chapped lips, and I think to myself, "Hey, Jin, 'sup." And then I do a double take and say, "JIN????" As in Dead Jin? And then the Assistant to the Assistant to The Meeting Organizer (aka my sister) calls, all in a tizzy and downright rage-filled, and says "What the hell is this? Jin is alive and that's Danielle?" And I said "How do we know it's Danielle?" And she says, "Uhhhh, because she said her name." See?? See how having to write this blog as I watch affects me? I hear approximately every third word that these characters say. So now I'm downright rage-filled...Pre-Pubescent Russo? Time Traveling Dead Jin? Why don't you just push me out of a blimp over the Rose Bowl. It would hurt less.

Questions & Answers

Soup and Scones

Adjourn